Lessons from ALMOST going to Law School (III)
Part III
(*I’m not proud of this but in the 3 weeks between my finding peace and my actual test, I decided that the I’d given the LSAT all I could so I allowed my prep time to basically fall off a cliff. I do not recommend this all or nothing strategy. Please don’t be like me. Pace yourselves.)
I took my LSAT on July 15th and as soon as it was done, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I felt like I’d performed similarly to my practice tests which wasn’t a great indicator but I was just glad that it was over. I’d resented the hold of this test over my life for so long. If I wasn’t studying for it, then I was thinking about how much I didn’t want to study for it, or beating myself up over not studying for it. To be free from that thing felt good but also unfamiliar. For so long I had relentlessly pursued the LSAT because I was determined to be a lawyer and then a few weeks before my test, I realized that I had a whole world of options and the LSAT became a thing that I just wanted to be done with. After it was over, it felt that the last thing that had anchored me to my childhood was gone. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and taking in the feeling of not knowing what was ahead for me. I settled into the unfamiliar space of not being able to picture my future self because she was still evolving, taking shape, waiting to be discovered. At that point I felt peace in the idea that law might not be for me but I was finally able to look back and be grateful for the journey to that realization. Those 6 months taught me that faith is a verb. It is a living and continuous exercise. It is hard and it will stretch you further than you thought possible but it is worth it. The choice to give it all to God when you’ve finally given it all you have is a beautiful thing. There is a divine hope in knowing that your whole life is in God’s hands so although the road may be winding the destination is clear. God not only holds you here in the now, he’s holding your past and your future too.
I started this journey in December 2018 and still had questions about why God did what he did the way he did it until like yesterday. Literally, I would read a scripture or watch a sermon and my mind would flash back to these 6 months of my life and I’d get a new sliver of understanding about the necessity of that time. I knew it was necessary to grow my faith and hypothesized that if I hadn’t given it all I had then, I would have always wondered whether I made the right decision. But, I had questions for God because there was so much bad that came out of that period too. I started drinking again, I began to doubt my ability to succeed at whatever I put my mind to, and although I decided not to go to law school, detaching myself from that dream was so painful that it made my other options feel like settling for second best. If I'm being honest I still have questions. This whole faith thing isn’t linear. Just because I have faith overall doesn’t mean that at times my peace isn’t interrupted by moments of doubt and fear. For a long time I just asked why God? Why? Why do I still lack clarity about whether I’m supposed to go to law school? Why am I literally so traumatized by that experience that the thought of taking the LSAT again gives me anxiety. I know God is good and things will work out for my good. I had settled that in my spirit but deep down I just longed to know why. At the end of the day I’m still learning the lessons from almost going to law school because I’m still not sure if I’m going to go. I have a job at a consulting firm that I’ll be starting in a few months. I know that I can’t see myself there for more than 2 years but that's the extent of my plan. I don’t know what comes after that and *deep breath* that's okay. Who am I to question God in his divine wisdom? God showed me that I can put in as much work as I want but, only he has the power to really direct my path. Without his grace I am nothing.
Life had been working well before those 6 months from hell came and shook my faith to its core. But I needed a little adversity to refine me. I learned the importance of asking myself and God the hard questions and being patient enough to wait for the answer. I learned that I needed God to trust God. Only in him could I find a way to double down on faith even when I didn’t get the answer I wanted. I learned that the journey was less about knowing what God was doing and more about knowing God. I learned that it’s okay to not know because it is in the face of the unknown that we are are forced to trust in God. If everything always worked out the way I wanted, I would never run to Jesus. Through these lessons, I found that God loves me too much to let me stray too far from his light. The process was not only good for me, it was necessary. Almost going to law school is a strange sort of testimony for me. It isn't as exciting as getting into Harvard with a full ride scholarship. It's not something that I would stand up and tell the whole church about (I don't think I could condense it down to 2 minutes). But it's real and it shows how the God of the universe is intimately involved in the details of our lives. It is a testament to the fact that you don't have to reach the finish line to praise God for the journey and purpose is a process. It is tribute to the reality that ALL things not only work for our good, but they are working for our good, right here right now in whatever phase of life you find yourself in. Joy doesn’t come when you have all the answers, it comes when you get to know the person that wrote the questions.
