Lessons from ALMOST going to Law School (I)

Part I

I’ve known I wanted to be a lawyer since I was 10 years old. When I was young I loved to read and write and talk. Really early on, someone told me that those were traits that I’d need to be a lawyer and not too long after I watched legally blond for the first time. From that moment I made it my dream. During my sophomore year of High School I won a national mock trial competition and I finally knew that I didn’t just want the law, but the law also wanted me back! It’s one thing to want to do something but when you get to a point where you know you can do it, the desire to accomplish that goal solidifies deep down in your heart. It moves from dream to destiny. Your future becomes less of a hypothetical and more of a reality that you just haven’t stepped into yet, a life that is there waiting to welcome you with open arms. I felt lucky to know for sure, to have something that I could orient my whole life around. It satisfied a feeling that I believe we all have, a need to anticipate a fulfilling future. 

When I got to UT Austin, things became less certain. I’d chosen my majors based on the fact that they’d be interesting enough to keep me engaged but rigorous enough to prepare me for Law School. Business Honors would help me to one day own my law firm and Plan II Honors was an interdisciplinary arts and science major where I’d read and write at a graduate level so often that I’d have a perfectly developed Liberal Arts mind. I was so naive ha! However, as many college students will tell you, my world very quickly exploded far beyond the flimsy borders of my adolescence as I was exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking that challenged what I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. I began to question whether law was the right career path for me when I discovered that I had a real passion for social entrepreneurship and nonprofits. But Law was all I’d ever known, all I’d ever wanted to do.

 Thankfully my parents, although very Nigerian, weren’t the type that would try to force me into a specific career path. As long as I could establish myself as a professional and convince them that I could make a good living, they were pretty much okay with whatever I wanted to do. I had chosen law for myself, or so I thought. For as long as I remember it just made sense. It was all I had been setting my mind and heart on since the question “what do you want to be when you grow up” demanded more than just a cute kiddy answer. So, when I found myself interested in something else that didn’t have a specific profession like accountant or doctor attached to it, I simply reframed it in terms of law in order to make myself fit the dream instead of adapting the dream to my changing self. I didn’t think about it this way at the time, I was just doing what made sense to me as a person for whom “I don’t know” had never been a viable answer when it came to my future. By Sophomore year of college, I decided that I was going to be a Non-profit Lawyer.

When I got to the end of my second semester of my Junior year of college, things shifted once again for two reasons. The first reason was that I finally had a decision to make. I needed to enroll in a LSAT prep course, gather recommendation letters, and prepare to apply the next fall. I was at the point of the goal when imagination meets reality and all too soon there would be no going back. I’d long since passed the point where law school was the only option. I’d done internships in accounting and had one lined up for consulting just in case I wanted to work for a bit before going to law school but everything I’d once been so certain about felt like a big question mark now. The second reason was that my relationship with God had grown to a point where I truly desired his will more than my own. I wanted what he wanted for me. I didn’t just want to be who I thought I was supposed to be but, I truly longed to be who God created me to be. I was no longer in a position to make decisions on my own because I was much too familiar with just how much I didn’t know. 

At the time I thought that my intentions were purely a desire to walk out Proverbs 3:5 and have God direct my path but, now looking back I realize that I was actually dealing with a lot of fear. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and it scared me. I was afraid of what would happen if I chose a career path that God hadn’t actually called me to. I was afraid that I would waste time, money, and energy in pursuit of a goal that didn’t serve me. I was afraid that unless God specifically told me to go, any movement in the direction of what I thought I wanted would end up in failure. I was so afraid of failure. So during December of 2018, I prayed and fasted for direction, for confirmation, for something, anything that would show me which way to go. It wasn’t just law school or no law school. It was a question of going right after undergrad of working for a few years first. It was a question of “ if I’m not supposed to be a lawyer than what else am I supposed to do with my life?” I didn’t just want to do something because I could do it, I wanted to live out my purpose, on purpose.

 I thrived on having control over my life. Even though I’d come to the understanding that I needed to surrender to a God who was good enough and loving enough to take care of me, I still expected Him to tell me exactly how he planned to do that so I could just double check that I wasn’t about to fall. I never consider the fact that God might factor in the fall. I never thought about the fact that choosing to trust him didn’t mean that my journey would be perfectly happy. Since, I leaned on God from a place of fear, I would inevitably be disappointed. Before he could usher me into my dreams he had to address the doubts that would hold me back from them. I wouldn’t realize it until much later but, choosing God never meant that life would be painless. It just ensured that the pain will be worth it. 

Anyhow, that December of 2018, I prayed for direction on whether to be a lawyer. During that week of prayer and fasting in the last 7 days of the year, I really cried out to God and felt like I got nothing. I took God’s silence personally because I felt like I was doing everything right so what happened to Matthew 7:7 ask and you shall receive?? Where was my answer? I was willing to hear whatever God had to say but I couldn’t imagine why he would say nothing at all! I knew all the different ways I could hear God but he usually spoke to me in the form of a strong gut conviction. But this time when I read my bible, asked people around me, and prayed for days I felt just as lost and confused as ever.  I went to my dad who is a pastor with this dilemma and he revealed to me that it is well within God’s right to refrain from giving me an answer. He also said that God is not so small that His will for our lives can  be limited by one single decision that we make. After more research and a watching a few more sermons I learned that at times when God doesn’t speak it is because he has equipped you with all you need to make the right decision and he trusts you to move with the mind and knowledge he has given you. I still didn’t quite understand but I knew at the end of the day I needed to make a decision so I chose law school because it felt familiar and safe. On New Years Day I stopped praying for direction and started praying for God to bless my decision. I felt like he put the score 173 on my heart so I gave a $173 offering to honor what I felt was an agreement between God and I. (to be real I didn’t get no 173 but its always good to give to God so I don’t feel any type of way about it lol) I thought I was operating in faith but I was really moving in fear and that was quickly apparent in the next few months.