An Unconventional Testimony
The blog is back! I know its been a while since I’ve blogged but God has been putting so much on my heart so I’ll be using this as the platform to share and teach you all what I’m learning. I pray it blesses you
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So I have a really big testimony. I would just like to give God all the glory because this year I lost some of my most valuable relationships, my job and my law school admission all in quick succession…
I know that sounds insane because nothing about what you just read is giving good news but at this point I’ve decided to pull a Paul and boast in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9-10) because I think this where God really gets the glory. The truth is absolutely nothing has gone according to my plan this year but remarkably, I have never been more grateful. This is not just an absentminded “all things work out for good” kind of resignation. This is deep, excited, overwhelming joy and happiness. I don’t feel it everyday, but its often enough to know its not just by chance. I’ve been a Christian for most of my life but my walk with Christ lately is something I’ve never experienced before. It’s giving count it all joy, its giving a tree planted by the riverside of water, its giving the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. The way I see it if I don’t testify now, before my life manifests the blessings that I know are on the way, how could you understand the context for my rejoicing? How could I show you that God is not just one who keeps you in the light but also makes you glow in the dark? How could you believe me when I say I count everything a loss compared to the incomparable value of knowing Christ—not just for what he can give me but for who he is. People don’t often testify in the middle of the darkness but I’ve discovered that’s the place I’ve truly discovered God as the father of heavenly lights who gives good gifts, and the greatest gift is Him.
Soooo how did we get here? Well in 2020, I wrote a book called The Light Point. It was a spiritual memoir about how I found intimacy with God, discovered my identity in Christ and finally found freedom from insecurity. I know they say being a Christian doesn’t mean you’re exempt from suffering but I expected that after I had taken a leap of faith to put all my mistakes, flaws, and failures out there, I would have new found freedom in Christ and everything else in my life would fall into place. I did discover a level of freedom but I had no idea that my first yes God to would lead me to a series of yes’s that would render my life virtually unrecognizable.
After saying yes to the book, I said yes to theology school, then I saw yes to pursuing a legal career (after finishing theology school— God said it had to be in that order). I said yes to a relationship I thought was sent from God, I said yes to a job I thought was from him as well. I kept saying yes to God and the more I followed him, the more I felt like I was on the verge of all my yes’s coming together into something that was worthy of testifying— something I could point to and say “see I’m not crazy! I chose God and look at how he blessed me and rewarded my faithfulness, look at how my life really demonstrates the Glory of God.”
My life is so intertwined with The Light Point that was birthed from so much darkness that I was determined to nurture this thing until it was in full bloom. Not just the ministry, but my life. I had chosen God, so surely the fruit of my obedience couldn’t be far behind. I wanted to shine for God by showing a successful career, a successful romantic relationship, a successful academic program— ministry, social life, financial status. I wanted my life to look like the light I claimed to have found in Christ. I wanted it to be glorious and I thought because I had a new-found commitment to living for God that my output would just get brighter and brighter… so when things didn’t appear to be working out that way, in any area of my life, disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover the way I felt. I was completely disillusioned. In the years after wrote the book, I kept holding firmly to all the promises God gave me in that season. So when it seemed like they were slipping through my fingers in quick succession, I felt hopeless because I truly thought I’d given God my everything and it felt like he’d left me with nothing.
A bit dramatic considering the fact that I still had my health, my family, and my home. I had everything I needed but nothing I’d been believing God for and so it seemed that God has saved me all those years ago just to leave me empty handed. I thought I had done everything right. Even the things that I was hoping for were things that I believed God promised me and then just like that my hope was dashed and I was just left with questions. What’s the point of following God if this is where it leads me? Yeah, I was really going through it and that might have been the end of my walk with God if it wasn’t for the fact that he was still speaking to me.
Its hard to explain, but when I reached the end of myself (like I had in 2020 but in a completely different way this time) God was right there waiting for me. It was as if he’d been expecting me all along, as if he wasn’t at all surprised to find me ready to give up hope. In that place where the girl who wrote of light was so surrounded by darkness, The Light himself began to redefine what the Light Point really means. During the summer of 2023 (so yes were talking about very recent history but it was a long decline), God showed me that the true test of light is not how brightly it can shine during the day, but how powerfully it can illuminate the night. I began to see that whatever I may have gone through was preparing me, like my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to carry the weight of glory that represented the true source of light.
The truth is, if God had not stripped me of everything and ushered me into a waiting season, a wilderness season, I don’t know how I would have discovered that I have everything I need in him. I wouldn’t have been able to develop the discernment, humility, and focus I need for my next season. So that is my testimony. So far 2023 had been a year where I have been let down by everything but God. Miraculously, discovered that God gives good gifts, but when all is said and done. He is all I need. He is the best gift. The level of joy, peace, and rest that comes when the thing you feared the most has happened and you are not just okay but thriving in a power that you know is not your own is indescribable. This is not some idealized, overspiritualized approach to faith that ignores reality. The losses I’ve taken this year still hurt like hell sometimes. I still get tired and frustrated and anxious and afraid but now I know in the depths of my soul that nothing can heal me, provide for me calm me, help me outside of God and so I am able to have a much more authentic intimacy with him. I know what it means to walk hand in hand with light through the valley of the shadow of death. I can feel my faith has gotten stronger and now instead of darkness, I see so much to be grateful for. I see so much light and I understand more fully that my purpose is to share that with others. I am still very much learning and growing and healing but during this time God has really taught me what it means to live in the light. It is to live for his glory and I’m excited to share what I’m learning with you. Stay tuned!
Sincerely,
Siji
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. ”